Motivation

Motivation, or rather lack there of, is the bane of my existence.  I am so not a morning person.  I would much rather stay up till 2 in the morning than wake up before 8 am.  That's not to say I don't feel guilty when I sleep in late.  The later I sleep the guiltier I feel.  If I sleep till 10:30 or 11 I feel like I've wasted half my day.  Usually when I wake up I'm still tired.  I'll even take a nap in the afternoon.  But once 10pm comes around I'm not tired anymore.  I know I should be going to sleep, but if I try I just lay in bed getting frustrated that I'm not sleeping.

Since the baby has been born, I've been going to sleep around 12:30 or 1 am. She usually wakes up 2 or 3 times in the night.  I can usually count on Marren, the 3 year old, to wake up at 7:30 and usually no later than 8.  When I don't have to be anywhere in the morning I turn on tv in my room and have her lay in bed with me so I can maybe get another hour of sleep.

This morning Marren woke up at 9:45.  I couldn't believe it.  Especially since she went to bed at 8:45 last night.  And even though it was almost 10, it might as well have been 6am for as tired as I felt.  I normally would take Marren over to the sitters for a few hours on a Wednesday, but I got a text from her that she was put on a no work order for at least two weeks by her doctor (she is pregnant and having a few complications).  I got Marren breakfast and went to lay back down, but then Johannah decided she was hungry.  When I finally was able to get moving for the day it was after 11 am.  I want to be productive and get the house in shape and not getting started until 11 makes me feel worthless. 

I realized I probably needed to go to the store today too or we wouldn't have much to eat for lunch. Just thinking about taking both kids to the store made me nervous, but I knew I was going to have to do it sooner or later and I figured now was as good a time as any.  Of course I had to shower first, then get everyone dressed.  And by then of course the baby was hungry again.  We finally left the house by 1pm. 

We went to Target and I had to get one of those giant carts with the seats for 2 kids attached to the front of the regular cart, otherwise I would have no room for anything inside the cart.  I thought for sure the baby would sleep the whole time since she had just eaten before we left.  Yeah right, 5 minutes into it she starts crying.  Crying so much that I have to take her out of her car seat and carry her plus push this monster of a cart.  I had to repeat that process about three times during the trip.  Marren lasted her usual 10 minutes until she got cranky and wanted out of the cart.  Luckily she couldn't figure out how to undo the seat belt. 

We finally got home and after 3 trips of kids and groceries into the house.  I had to make Marren lunch. Which I felt bad for because I burned one side of her grilled cheese sandwich, and the little trooper actually ate half of it.  And of course, feed the baby again.  When I finally sat down it was 3 pm. 

I did actually cook my first decent meal in about 2 months: homemade spaghetti sauce.  Then bath time for both kids and bedtime for Marren.  And now it's 11 pm and I still haven't cleaned the living room or the kitchen from the last 2 days, but why should I start at 11 pm?  I should just go to bed, but I'm not tired.

I feel like I'm just waiting for some life changing moment to come along to change me and my horrible habits.  I'm afraid my children are going to pick them up.  Why should they pick up their mess, when mom can't pick up after herself??